Written by: Lisa Wagner, MAC
Negative stressful emotions are an unfortunate part of life. These emotions, which we call distress, can range from daily minor annoyances to significant traumas or events like the death of a loved one. One thing is clear, we all experience distress at some level. How we handle this distress is vital to our mental health. Some people naturally handle it well and can let issues roll off their backs, but for most of us, these life challenges can wear on us. Distress tolerance is a person’s ability to manage an emotional incident without feeling overwhelmed or escalating it (Marsha Linehan, 2014).
Lucky for us, distress tolerance skills can be taught and made into healthy habits. One way to develop tolerance is through self-talk. Despite how it sounds, it doesn’t mean you are in a conversation with yourself out loud, but rather controlling that voice that everyone has in their head. This self-talk can help to remind you how to keep calm and deal with distress in a healthy way.
For example, say you get into a minor fender bender where no one is hurt. That’s a reasonably distressing event but not life-threatening. Your adrenaline is rushing through your body, and you’re trying to remember everything you need to do in a car accident. Neither party intentionally wanted wrecked cars, and both you and the other person are likely upset. But how you handle this situation is critical to whether you get more upset or let these feelings pass through you and not escalate. Ideally, you can show grace and concern for the other driver, and hopefully, they’ll give you the same. The following statements can be used to increase your distress tolerance and help you keep calm in times of stress:
“Stop, and breathe. I can do this.”
“Right now, I am not in danger. Right now, I’m safe.”
“I can be anxious/angry/sad and still deal with this.”
“Thoughts are just thoughts – not necessarily true or factual.”
These types of phrases can be applied in any number of stressful situations. There are so many small moments throughout the day that can trigger negative reactions. Recognizing that these feelings are temporary and will pass can be hugely beneficial to managing emotions. Moreover, it’s helpful to acknowledge that often these are physical responses to a perceived threat, even if there is no actual danger to you. Marcia Linehan, PhD., the renowned Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) therapist, developed these Distress Tolerance Statements to minimize the upset in your day. These evidence-based techniques follow this idea, for example, “This feels bad, and it’s a normal body reaction – it will pass” or “These are just feelings, and they will go away.”
For a more detailed list of Distress Tolerance Statements to help you learn self-talk coping skills, follow this link. These can also be used for affirmations and as a springboard to write your own self-talk statements.
These hyper-stressful moments can feel completely inescapable, but learning to talk to yourself in this way is an effective means to recognize the greater picture and your own power to escape your negative habits.
“I can feel bad and still choose a new and healthy direction.”
“This feels bad, and it’s a normal body reaction – it will pass.”
“I can’t change what’s already happened.”
“This is difficult and uncomfortable, but it’s only temporary.”
“I’ve dealt with problems before and can do it again.”
“I can’t change people’s reactions, but I can choose how I respond.”
“This feels bad, and feelings are very often wrong.”
“These are just feelings, and they will go away.”
“I don’t need to rush and can take things slowly.”
“It’s okay to feel this way, and it’s a normal reaction.”
“I can use my coping skills and get through this.”
For additional Distress Tolerance Statements (also called Radical Acceptance Statements) list: Click here
Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Publications.
